A page for some of my writing.

I’m planning on sharing some of my Poetry, Comedy Sketches, and Stories here.

I’ve written for years. Some of the work, mostly sketches, has been performed.
I’ve performed some of my poetry and writing at Open Mic sessions.
And some Sketches have been heard on Radio.
I’m now being brave and sharing here.

Hope you enjoy.

All material ©David McClelland
Contact me to copy/print/perform any of these works.  dave@mcclellandmedia.com

NEW WRITING ADDED TO THE TOP

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CANAL WALK, 14/5/2023

On May 14th I joined writer Anne Grange on a writing walk, organised through the Writers Workshop, setting off from the centre of Sheffield, catching a tram to the Meadowhall area of the Canal, then walking along the towpath back towards the city. This is what I wrote along the way.

Words and water
Flowing through the city
Flowing through my mind
Flowing from my pen

Cathedral tram stop
Surrounded by old stone buildings
Banks sold off, now pubs and flats
Years of marble and fancy wooden counters
Become supermarkets, coffee shops – cheque mate 

Gladstone building overlooks cathedral
Fancy roof, wrought-iron finials and cresting,
looking like inland widow’s walks, gothic trim that’s stood the test of time. 

Catch Full Monty tram
Familiar faces from their stripping days
Now aging and on Disney Plus
Can I leave my hat on?

Tram seats worn edged
From years of bums on fabric
Bodies leave their mark and move along
Hold tight!
Cathedral, Hyde Park, Cricket Inn Rd
Get thee to Nunnery Square
Tram route map has pretensions of being the London Underground
Attercliffe Stop, a Cliff no more
Centretainment and Olympic Legacy Park

The valley once lined with smoking steel works
Now home to leisure industries
Carbrook, IKEA
Sweden won Eurovision again
Mamma Mia, how things change, money money, money…

Doors open on to Meadowhall South stop…
Canal and River
Twin waterways
Run under twin viaduct
Double layers of cars and trucks
Speed above the geese and ducks
Slower water traffic on 19th century navigation
Fences and Barriers to keep out intruders under viaduct
Perfect spot to escape the zombie apocalypse 

Tread the towpath by the canal
Aging infrastructure, pump houses, locks
Close by trains and roads,
More modern replacement for water transportation
No horse pulling barges now
All gentrified
The towpath now a walking trail
Marina home to nomadic water dwellers
Constant sound of filling and flowing, bird song in a green corridor, a distant hum of traffic and industry 

Glimpses of new development through trees and over walls
Power line pylons criss cross the watery artery to the heart of the city
Follow the water to the west
Graffitied walls and ramshackle works
Keep watery world a secret

Walkers and cyclists squeezing by on narrow paths under tight bridges
Then canal basin opens up
Where city meets water with bars and restaurants
Old canal warehouse now funky flats and offices
Rest the legs and reflect
Cold beer and hot pizza while we watch the ducks

---

Stripy towel

Farewell stripy towel
Your daily duties done
You once were bath sheet luxury
But now your fluff has gone

You’ve rubbed me up
And rubbed me down
Dried my private bits
But now you’re thin and threadbare
Have holes and pulls in bits

So one last time it’s wash and dry
Then folded up and stored
Ready for emergencies
Like when water floods the floor 

Take to beach to sit upon
Or to dry up a wet doggy
To use in an emergency
When something’s getting soggy 

Now there’s a new towel on the hook
So blue and full of fluff
Come, wrap yourself around me
When I’m wet and in the buff

/DM 6/9/23

---

Back to school song (Sept 2023)

Oh my school is falling down
Falling down Falling down
Oh my school is falling down
Blame the Tories

/In response to School Concrete Debacle – DM 5/9/2023

---

The wasp won’t go

Dead wasp on window bottom
I didn’t know what to do
So wrapped it up in tissue
And threw it in the loo

Could have used the bin
But I was in a rush
Regretting it now though
Cos the wasp won’t flush

It’s tissue paper wrapping
Shot off around the bend
But the wasp is on the surface
Won’t meet its watery end

I cover it with toilet paper
Flush it once again
But after swirling turbulence
The wasp carcass remains 

I wait for my next visit
Then shoot at it with wee
A bit more toilet paper
But it’s exit’s not to be

Another wait, it’s time to poo
I bare my bum to stinger
Drop a few depth charges, flush
But no, the wasp still lingers

It spent a good few hours
Floating in my little pond
But my final movement of the night
Sent it to the great beyond

/DM 23/8/23

Me performing THE WASP WON’T GO –

---

Thank you for shopping at Wonderfoods [Sketch]

LOCATION: WONDERFOODS SUPERMARKET
SOUND: Sounds of supermarket hubbub, background chatter, etc throughout

PAM
Thank you for shopping at Wonderfoods, did you find everything you wanted?

SID
Yes, thanks

PAM
lovely, do you want a carrier today?

SID
Oh, yes, please

PAM
Super, just a cheap one or a carrier for life?

SID
Cheap one please

PAM
Righto, (SHOUTS) Brian – carrier for this customer please

SOUND: she starts to scan, sfx of beeps and stuff going to end of counter

BRIAN
I’m Brian, I’ll sort you out today (COUGHS)

PAM
thanks Bri

SOUND: SCANNING SOUNDS, clunking of cans, etc

SID
(TO PAM) Excuse me, what is he doing? He’s putting all my shopping into his clothes… in fact what’s he wearing? Those cargo trousers with huge pockets, a gilet with big mesh pockets all over… What’s going on?

PAM
Well that’s Brian, he’s your carrier, he’s going to carry all your shopping to your car. You can’t expect him to carry it all in his hands?

SID
But I thought you meant a carrier BAG… And anyway, I’m not in a car

PAM
that’s okay, Brian will walk home with it for you

BRIAN
happy to be of service (COUGH)

SID
I’m not walking, I came here on my bike

PAM
No problem, Brian will run beside you, won’t you Brian love?

BRIAN
Course I will, it’s all part of my job (COUGHS)

SID
When you said carrier I thought you meant a carrier BAG, not a person

PAM
Oh no love, we’ve done away with bags here at Wonderfoods, we’ve brought back the human touch.

SID
But you asked if I wanted a cheap one or a carrier for life

PAM
Yes a cheap one is just 20p to get all your shopping home for you. But if you choose a carrier for life, you can take him home and re-use him

SID
Sorry, what? Where would he stay? And how much would it cost “for life.”

PAM
Well there’re very happy just stuffed under the sink, aren’t you Brian…

BRIAN
oh yes, luxury… (COUGHS)

PAM
…And the For life service is just £2,499

SID
How much? I might have another 30 or 40 years life left in me, surely two and a half grand won’t cover Brian’s costs?

PAM
ahh, it’s not for YOUR life, it’s for his. Poor old Brian isn’t too good, are you love?

BRIAN
No, but I might have a month or two left in me… (COUGHS)

SID
I can’t just stuff a sick man under the sink, can I?

BRIAN
I’d be happy… (COUGH, SNIFF)

PAM
oh, he’ll love it…

SID
So, do you have a few sick people doing this Carrier For Life thing?

PAM
Oh yes, but they’re not all poorly. And they’re not all as cheap as Brian. Sven cost £27,000. He’s been a great hit with his owners.

SID
Twenty-seven thousand to keep him under the sink?

PAM
(WHISPERS) Well to be honest with you, I think Sven stays upstairs now. I’ve never seen Mr and Mrs Brown looking so happy.

SID
Oooo! Well if you have any more Sven types in can you let me know?

PAM
Course we will. Right that’s you all packed up, well done Brian. That’s £52.20 today. On your Card?

SID
Yes please

SOUND: card transaction beeps

PAM
That’s all done, thank you for shopping at Wonderfoods!

SID
Come on Brian, my bike’s chained up outside…

SOUND: brian coughing, his pockets clanking as he walks out of the store

/DM 6/7/2023

---

Toothkips [Radio Sketch]

But first, a word from our sponsors

You’ve heard of toothpicks and toothbrushes – 

But what about trying our brand new “Toothkips” for your oral hygiene?

Toothkips are a brand new, environmentally friendly, and completely compostable, toothbrush that can be used by the whole family. 

We’ve all seen those new tooth brushes, advertised as recyclable – but you then have to remove the bristles before you bin it. 

And that’s where Toothkip wins. 

Our handles are made from ecologically sourced bamboo, stripped and prepared by wild pandas. 

Then it’s time to add our bristles!

There’s no plastic in your Toothkip – all our bristles are made from those very fine bones you find in kippers. 

Advances in fish processing has enabled producers to finally remove all those tiny bones from your kipper for a more pleasant eating experience. 

We take those very fine kipper bones, and attach to the bamboo handles with an all natural adhesive, manufactured from the hooves of horses who’ve passed away peacefully after a long and happy life in the fields. 

It’s an an all-natural tooth cleaning experience that leaves your mouth fresh and clean with the faint taste of smoked haddock and old horse. 

When your Toothkip is ready for changing, you can just throw the whole thing in your composter. 

Keep smiling and trust your dental care to Toothkips!

There’s nothing fishy about us!

/DM 8/4/2023

---

Bin day [poem]

[13/1/23]

It’s bin day
Wind day
Bins blown over everywhere
Regardless of colour
Black, brown, blue
On it’s side, lid flapping like a puppet mouth
Spewing garbage like a politician
Pizza crusts
Used wipes
Eeeeuw I don’t even know what that is
But it’s not nice
Dogs try to sniff. No!
Home we rush with chilled ears through streets awash with flotsam and jetsam
Bin day
Wind day

[More – 17/2/23]

It’s Bin Day again
Wind day again
Blue Bins put out to stand street-side
Like Bobbies in a row
Guarding our road like sentry’s on duty
But blue bins are slender
Thinner than Grey and Brown
And with contents of cardboard and paper
There’s no weight to hold it down 

So blue bins blow, off they go
Like drunken revellers
Until they trip off the kerb
And they’re down, rolling around, regurgitating contents
Prescription copies, old bills, egg boxes, dozens of Amazon cardboard envelopes, pizza boxes, cardboard sleeves off yogurt containers, magazines, newspapers 

Almost no bins left to empty now
Contents blow freely
Twisting and turning
Escaping down the road
Hiding in gardens and under cars
Bin lorry comes, empties the few still standing, then blue bins left on the pavement

Empty now, lighter and giddy, they wheel around
Throwing themselves down once more
They roll around like pigs in muck
It’s bin day again
Wind day again

/DM

Me performing BIN DAY –

---

A man down the road has a DeLorean

A man down the road has a DeLorean.
Yes, that sporty stainless steel car made famous in the Back to the Future franchise.
On our road. Just parked there on the street. Under a tree.

Hardly ever moves it, it sits there, falling blossoms gathering at the base of the windscreen.
Which must block his air intakes because he often puts a sheet of plastic over the air vents in autumn.
That fancy rear cover over the engine compartment. Tied down with a length of tatty rope.

And what of the owner?
No Marty McFly or Doc Brown here.

A mild mannered chap, dresses conservatively, slacks and sweaters. Silver framed glasses, greying blonde hair parted to one side.
His other car, his daily drive, parked behind the DMC – a silver Ford Focus. 

Seen him in the paper shop. Buys two loaves. Appears to be single. And heard Linda in the shop ask about his mother. 

So why? Why a DeLorean? The dream car of the 80’s, sitting outside a Sheffield semi?
He hardly ever moves it. If he does then it’s MOT time, though he did park it around the corner for a few days when they repaved the street. 

I often stand beside it when I’m walking the dogs. They seem to have a fascination with it, they sniff the alloy rims and custom rubber tyres. Where has it been to gather smells so interesting to canine olfactory organs?

Then, this morning, walking back from the paper shop, the rumble of an engine. 

Not a normal rumble. 

He’s sat in the drivers seat – on the left of course, it’s American – giving it an occasional monthly turnover to keep it running, circulate the juices that keep the beast alive.  

Or is he? 

Is there more to Mr Normal. Is he actually from the future? Holding out on Holdings Rd, keeping watch over the steel city, his DeLorean the Time Machine that brought him here, and his lifeboat to return him home. 

Are those “sitting there running the engine” times really to keep it roadworthy? 

Or perhaps he’s generating some time clock energy, rewinding us all to correct something that shouldn’t have happened. 

But I still remember you. And what we said last night. That can’t be rewound by Mr Future. 

So, we are good. 

No objection raised by the Time Panel, no temporal anomaly created, we can go on. 

And how can we say no to the future?

—
/DM 6/2/23

---

NEWS FLASH PANDA [sketch]

FLASH PANDA Scene: 1

ANNOUNCER
We interrupt the show with an urgent news update.
Reports are coming in that a Giant Panda is loose in the suburbs of Sheffield.
We go now to our reporter Sylvia Cuttlefish, live on the scene, hello Sylvia…

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Hello, yes I’m close to the reported sighting of the Giant Panda in a local garden – Police are asking that we keep the precise location quiet for now as they don’t want sightseers putting themselves at risk as the operation continues.

ANNOUNCER
So this is quite an event Sylvia, Giant Pandas aren’t native to the UK, most of us would only ever see one in a zoo.
Are the police giving any indication of what it’s doing here in Sheffield?

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Initial reports are that it may have escaped from a private rare breed collector, and then been attracted to the area by the current trend for planting bamboo in our gardens.
Many local supermarkets and garden centres have been selling bamboo plants for garden use over the past couple of years, it looks like the escaped Panda may have been attracted to this particular housing estate because of the proliferation of bamboo.

ANNOUNCER
Are the public in danger Sylvia?

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Well the main diet of the Giant Panda is bamboo – the average Giant Panda needs to consume up to 14 kg, that’s around 30 lbs, of bamboo a day… But these Pandas can grow to 1.9 metres, that’s over 6′ long, and they will eat meat and fish if they have to, so you wouldn’t want to get too close.
Oooh, hang on, police are moving in to a back garden now, I’ll get more information and I’ll report back when I can.

ANNOUNCER
Our reporter Sylvia Cuttlefish, live at the scene of a Giant Panda sighting in Sheffield.
We now return to the show…

FLASH PANDA Scene: 2

ANNOUNCER
We interrupt the show again to return to the scene of the Giant Panda sighting in Sheffield, with our reporter Sylvia Cuttlefish.
Sylvia, what’s the latest?

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Well I’m here now with local resident Virginia Parish and her neighbour Steve Turnpike.
Virginia, the police are currently in your back garden. Can you tell me what you know?

VIRGINIA PARISH
Yes, it’s all very worrying Sylvia. I’ve planted a few ornamental bamboo plants in the back, it started during lockdown and I was trying to tart the garden up a bit. I saw Alan Titchmarsh on TV talking about Bamboo and I thought it would look nice in the back garden. But I have to admit I got a bit addicted and my garden is now packed with bamboo, over 6 feet high. I managed to cut a path to the shed with a machete, but it’s pretty dense out there.
Then a few days ago I heard grunting in the garden at night, and when I took a look the next morning, I found large “droppings,” much too big for a dog or a cat. And sticking out of one of them was a piece of paper, like you’d get in a Fortune Cookie at a Chinese Restarant. It had some lucky numbers, 5, 7, 19, 24, 28 and 41 – and a motto, “People are naturally attracted to you.”
Then I heard a rustling and saw a flash of black and white fur moving through the bamboo – Well, I’ve seen David Attenborough on the telly, so I know a lot about animals, I put two and two together and realised that it must be a Chinese Giant Panda. So I called the Police.
They’re out there now with tranquiliser darts and stuff.

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Wow, incredible, right in your own back garden.
Steve Turnpike, you live next door, Police have asked you all to leave your homes whilst they investigate – what have you seen out there?

STEVE TURNPIKE
Well, to be honest, I’m feeling a bit daft right now Sylvia.
You see I think it might have been me Virginia heard the other night. My cat had been missing for a few days and I thought it might have got trapped in Virginia’s shed. So I climbed over the fence to have a look.
But the bamboo is so thick that I got disoriented and didn’t know how to get out.

VIRGINIA PARISH
But what about the droppings Steve, there’s something big out there.

STEVE TURNPIKE
Yeah, I’m sorry, I think that’s mine too.
I’d had a big takeaway and my stomach got upset as I was thrashing my way through the bamboo. So I had to ‘go’, sorry…

VIRGINIA PARISH
But the paper from the Fortune Cookie Steve…

STEVE TURNPIKE
Yes, that was all I had in my pocket, so I ate the Fortune Cookie, and then wiped as best I could with the paper…

VIRGINIA PARISH
….eeeewwww, I touched that!!!!!

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
But what about the black and white beast Virginia saw in the bamboo?

STEVE TURNPIKE
Well, I think that’d be my cat Gordon. Lovely big black and white boy he is.
He came home this morning, I’d put some sardines near the fence and he found his way out of the bamboo forest next door.

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
So, not a Giant Panda at all.
Well, I’d better go round the back and tell the police.
Oh look! it’s your cat Steve, it’s Gordon.
Hello puss, oooh you’re lovely, come on, I’ll carry you…

SOUND: gate opens, sound of police in bamboo. sound of a tranquiliser dart shot

SYLVIA CUTTLEFISH
Owwww! I’ve been… darted (drowsy) Back to you in the studio…

SOUND: sylvia thuds to the ground, cat squeal, police shouts

ANNOUNCER
Incredible scenes there, right here in Sheffield.
We’ll be back with an update when we can, but we now return to the show…

FLASH PANDA Scene:3

ANNOUNCER
We interrupt the show for an update on the Sheffield Giant Panda sighting… Our reporter Sylvia Cuttlefish is… indisposed… So we have local resident Steve Turnpike on the line. Steve, what’s the latest?

STEVE TURNPIKE
It all got a bit mad really, Sylvia picked up my cat Gordon and went in the back garden, the police sharpshooters saw Gordon’s black and white fur through the bamboo and took a shot with the tranquiliser dart. Luckily the dart missed Gordon – but it hit Sylvia in the thigh.
She went down like sack of spuds and Gordon ran off back into the bamboo. The police marksmen were trying to shoot him, but he’s fast. And, well, they ended up darting each other. So now there’s Sylvia and 6 police officers unconscious in Virginia’s garden.

ANNOUNCER
Well I hope they all recover and that something good can come out of all this.

STEVE TURNPIKE
Oh it has, Virginia had told me those lucky numbers from the Fortune Cookie – 5, 7, 19, 24, 28 and 41.
I put them on the lottery last night and I’ve won the big one. Millions!

ANNOUNCER
Incredible story Steve, what will you do with the money?

STEVE TURNPIKE
Well I’ve always wanted a private zoo, so maybe buy a Snow Leopard? I’ve already got a Giant Panda.

ANNOUNCER
We now return to the show….

/ DM Dec 2022

---

CSI SHEFFIELD [Short film/Sketch]

[We follow feet walking through park. We are at the bottom of a hill.
A Hand pulls aside POLICE DO NOT CROSS tape]. We see CORONER finishing up]

DCI CICELY BACON
Tom Hardware? They’ve got you as Coroner on this one eh?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Cicely Bacon? I heard you’d made it to DCI.
What’s brought you out for this case?

DCI CICELY BACON
It sounds like an odd one… and it’s not the only mysterious incident we’ve had lately.
Fill me in.
Who do we have?
What happened?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Well the air ambulance has just removed them, on the way into surgery now…
But basically we have two people with serious injuries.
They appear to be related… siblings, by the names Jack and Jill.

DCI CICELY BACON
You’re kidding right?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
(shakes his head) No…

DCI CICELY BACON
So what happened to them?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
It appears the two of them were climbing this hill…
And the bucket by the bodies suggests they were heading up there for water

DCI CICELY BACON
(she starts making notes)
So, Jack and Jill went up the hill?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Yup, to fetch a bucket of water

DCI CICELY BACON
Could I note that down as a pail?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
What, the orange B&Q Bucket?

DCI CICELY BACON
Yes… but it could be called a pail too though, right?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
I suppose….
Anyway, they went up the hill…

DCI CICELY BACON
to fetch a pail of water…

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Yes, if you say so.
It appears that Jack slipped or tripped down the hill and fractured his skull on the rock there…

DCI CICELY BACON
Ahhhh, broke his crown…

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
What?

DCI CICELY BACON
He broke his crown… (she motions to her head with her pen) Right?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
(sighs)
Yes. And then it looks like Jill tried to stop him and fell herself.

DCI CICELY BACON
She tumbled after, right….

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Yes, then they were discovered this morning by a dog walker.

DCI CICELY BACON
Always the dog walkers…
So for my report…
(reads her notes)
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
I hope A&E has vinegar and brown paper…

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Look, if that’s how you want to word your report, that’s fine.
But it does seem a bit frivolous for a case with serious injuries.
[SFX – PHONE BEEP – MESSAGE COME IN] Right, sorry but I have to get moving
There’s been an incident outside a school. A bunch of kids innocently singing and playing, then suddenly – dropped down dead.
Could be some sort of nerve agent, or a gas leak…

DCI CICELY BACON
They weren’t singing Ring-a-ring-o roses were they?

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
(How did she know that?)
Actually yes, that was mentioned by one of the witnesses.
How did you know?

DCI CICELY BACON
It’ll be the plague that killed them.
It’s all coming together.
We have a series of… nursery rhyme crimes!
First Jack and Jill, now Ring-a-ring-o roses…
Somehow nursery rhymes are causing death and destruction…

[SFX – CHURCH BELL RINGS, DING DONG DING]

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Holy crap… My pussy was soaking wet last night….

DCI CICELY BACON
Tom, this is no time for “Are you being served” gags – and you didn’t even sound like Mrs Slocombe..

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
No, the nursery rhyme… Ding Dong Bell… I live close to an old well – and my neighbour is called John Flynn… a chap called Big Tom down the road heard my cat crying and pulled her out…

DCI CICELY BACON
Ding, dong, bell,
Pussy’s in the well.

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
Who put her in?
Little Johnny Flynn.
Who pulled her out?

DCI CICELY BACON
Little Tommy Stout.
What a naughty boy was that,
To try to drown poor pussy cat….
[SFX – HER PHONE RINGS] Bacon.
(listens. Nods. Horror)
What? I’ll be right there.
Apparently staff at the Children’s Hospital are putting babies in cradles up in the tree tops of the park opposite.

TOM HARDWARE – CORONER
And there’s strong winds in the forecast for tonight…
Let’s get moving…

[They run out of shot to car, we hear sirens] [FAINT GHOSTLY ECHOES OF MOTHER SINGING ROCK A BYE BABY]

THE END

/DM Dec 2022

---

That Russian Play [Radio sketch]

A friend of mine went to see that Russian play about three sisters…

Oh yes, Three Sisters.

Yes, three sisters – i can’t remember what it was called. 

Three Sisters

Yes. Three sisters.
I wish I could remember the name of that play. 

That’s the name of the play.
Three Sisters. By Chekhov. 

What? 

It’s a play by Anton Chekhov. Called Three Sisters. 

No it’s not, it was called after their names…

What, Olga, Maria and Irina?

Who?

The names of the three sisters. Olga, Maria and Irina. In the play by Chekhov. 

No, that’s not right at all. They were all names of people who’ve been on Coronation Street. 

Three Russian sisters – with names that have been used on Coronation Street?

Ooooh… come on, who were they…. yes… that Windass woman.
And Steve’s ex-wife who’s in Scott and Bailey and that submarine thing….
and that Goth girl at Roy’s.
Yes! That’s it.
Anna, Karen and Nina.
I think they live in a cherry orchard…

Errrr

And Chekov… He was on Star Trek, right?

/DM 15/12/2022

---

The last post

After 70 years
Licking the back of her head
We can stamp it out now
The old queen is dead

No licking for Charlie
It’s just peel and stick
And everyone knows
he’s a bit of a dick

And when Charles has last post
We’re on to King Willie
Isn’t the monarchy
All rather silly?

/DM/2022

---

secondhand arms

who else has been in these arms?
friends, lovers, children, the family pet?
the arms that now enclose me with such familiarity
I didn’t even know you yesterday.
then – you came into my life.
it was love at first sight,
you were just what I was hoping for.
clean, respectable;
a little rough around the edges, sure –
but I guess you’ve been around a bit.

but where? you won’t reveal your past.
where are you from?
where did you go to work?
you won’t tell, so I imagine a history for you.

big office, new york city.
travelling on the subway, crushed among commuters,
picking up the odours of the city.
onions from the hot-dog cart,
the thick smell of expensive cigars,
maybe a little cheap perfume
mixed with your own aftershave.

you need a little loving care…
I wash you clean and dry you
and look you over closely.
and here –
I find the first sign
that someone else once cared for you.
he was my size, my shape,
but he had shorter arms.
who did this to you?
a wife, a girlfriend, a mother? whoever,
they were clumsy, their work couldn’t hold you.
I take my scissors and remove the reminders of your time with them.
I slip my hand inside your pocket.
what’s been here before?
a handkerchief, keys?
there’s a hole in the bottom
what might you have lost?

you have exposed metal teeth.
a lost liner. like the Titanic?
no, your liner zipped in.
but no more. it’s gone now,
taken out for a warmer season and never replaced
or maybe you were separated when you were…
given away? thrown out? lost?
did you simply outlive your usefulness?
go out of style?
no-one wanted you any more.

until today.
seven dollars changes hands – and I take you home.
we might go out tomorrow,
I’ll show you off to my friends.
“hey Dave, nice coat.”
“thanks. I got it at Frenchy’s.”

/DM sept 28, 1997

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CBC Radio Contest – WRITE ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE TOOLS AND YOU COULD WIN A BOOK 

You could win a copy of Withold Rybczynski “One Good Turn: A Natural History of the Screwdriver and the Screw” (Harper Collins Canada Ltd. 2000) by writing to us about tools you couldn’t live without.

I won with this

I’d like to share a tool story with you. My favourite tools are contained in a rusting metal case – a Bedford Chrome-Vanadium Socket set, manufactured in Sheffield, England – my old home town.

These were passed down to me from my maternal Grandfather, Stanley Mercer. 

Stan started his working life at the age of 15 as a Boy Porter with British Rail, the company from which he eventually took early retirement – from his job as Station Master – in 1970 at age 60.

He spent the following five years working at a 

My grandfather was driving a Ford Escort at that time and it was during this period that he introduced me, then in my early teens, to car servicing. This was in the days before every car had onboard computers and electronic ignition. With a good set of tools anybody could keep their car on the road.

We spent many hours together, changing oil and spark plugs, doing all the general maintenance. And as I approached the legal driving age, he took me to a local 

But my grandfather never lived to see me pass my driving test. In 1974, on the day he retired from the car dealership to begin his retirement, Stan had an accident after his colleagues had taken him for a farewell drink in a local pub. He fell in a bathroom, fractured his skull and passed away a few days later, having never regained consciousness.

The family was devastated, especially Stan’s wife Pansy, who never got to spend those retirement years with her husband.

Pansy couldn’t drive and as I was close to driving age, she let me have the Ford Escort… and Stan’s tools. I passed my test and drove that car – doing all my own maintenance – for many years, until I finally traded it in for something more sporty. 

But I still have the tools. I brought them to Canada when I moved here thirteen years ago and they’re out in the barn, still in regular use and as good as the day he bought them, even though the case now has rust showing through the orange paint.

Every time I handle those tools I think of my grandfather. They’re a touchstone to both a wonderful man and the steel city where I was born and they’re more precious than any of the tools I’ve acquired since.

Your internet-capable listeners may be interested in Stan’s writing, “Memoirs of a Railwayman.” He never completed his memoirs before he died, but I’ve put all he wrote on a web page, along with photos of Stan and the family.
The address is https://mcclellandmedia.com/blog/other-pages/memoirs-of-a-railwayman/

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